Dear someone,

(Note that writing is my only form of release, so just let me get this out there. I promise I'll stray away from the personal stuff soon enough. I just need this right now)

I'm so sorry that everything happened the way it did, that I believed I was doing the right thing by following my own doubts instead of my certainties. I had the best of intentions that things would turn out better that way, and I would be preventing pain by doing so. Now, I'm alone and you'll be missing something in your life as well. This letter isn't about me, though. It's about what I did to you, and what I want you to know. It's so cruel that I won't be facing the consequences of my own actions head on unless I choose to dwell on the past, and yet you'll be hit in the face with the reality every day in the future. I hope I'm not important enough that it should hurt you anymore than it absolutely must. I wish I could take the pain away. I would in an instant if you showed me how. I didn't expect this to happen, but that doesn't make up for the fact that I wasn't true to you.

I'm only held by my conscience, and you will be saddened by reality long after I get over this, simply because of the nature of the crime. Next year was supposed to be a year of memories and pictures, words unsaid and said to fill up insecurities and blow the time away. Even if I needed to do what I did for my own sake, I really didn't have to. I was selfish, and I'd choose the suffering route over the easier route, now that I look back. You're worth it, and they do say that whatever can't kill you can only help you. I was impatient, and I wish I did prolong my internal conflict, if only to experience external comfort.

Even now this situation confuses me and makes me sad because I care for you so much. I wouldn't have gotten so close to you if I didn't see you as such a good friend. I can say that you'll make friends without me and be happy without me, but I genuinely believe that we aren't like everyone else, because we're a pair. I know I've hurt you, letting fate take over when the odds were so terrible. It's my fault.

Hopefully that made sense. There are so many harsh words that fill my mind and mix with my intentions, so have mercy on me if this isn't clear. I swear I wouldn't take the pains that I did to get this all out if I didn't think something valuable was at stake. I hate how this turned out, if I haven't already mentioned that. Yet, I don't know how to make it better. All I know is to say sorry and understand as much as I can about how you must have reacted to this. I want to make things right, or at least break this horrible anachronism that dominates my mind right now because I'm so helpless in the mess that I threw into the past, only to watch it catch up like some ugly shadow to its subject as the sun rises and sets. I'm tortured and confused (not that it matters), but because I'm so sure that I love you and I really let you down.

I don't know how to make this any easier, but I hope I didn't make this any harder. If there's any hope for me, just let me know. I'm a drifter anyway, so I'd be happy to come see you as often as possible if you still want me around. It's not like a friend can be replaced, after all. Hopefully I don't sound even more selfish in my writing, because I wrote this with you in mind. If there's anything that you need, just tell me. Otherwise, an "I hate you" would be fairly appropriate response for the time being, don't you think? Punish me, and maybe I'll be able to fix myself.

Much love,
Me.

How Do I Answer Myself?

How do you go back when you've thrown yourself out?

How do you step forward when you don't know what you're leaving behind?

How do you ask for something to be returned to you when you didn't know you had it to begin with?

How do you refuse something you tried so hard to take?

How do you let yourself fall into it when you don't know if anyone will catch you?

How do you pull yourself out when your heart doesn't want to argue?

How do you keep walking when the light is so far behind you?

How do you stop when you never knew you were walking?

How do you run straight into the line of fire when you have all the bullets, but no gun?

And yet....

How do you keep hiding in the shadows when your war has already been won?