Goodbye and Hello

Goodbye, summer. If you were even present to begin with. My ambitions have robbed me of my youth. In my desperation, my mistakes look more beautiful on the paper than my successes. Time "off" is not time at all.

Fantasies of a life free of school run through my head, but I know for sure they will never be. In all of them, I am fourteen. I am young, meandering through the world wide-eyed. I am a freshman, and the world is new to me. I have no limits. But I am fifteen, in reality. I've been fifteen for months, really. I have responsibilities and sins, no matter how much I hate the latter and rely on the former to keep me in check. I have pressure and disappointment. I have boundaries and people telling me what to be and exactly what to do. I have people telling me to be myself, but I am vehemently shot down when I try to be myself and let my heart find its own way.

In reality, I am a formless bit of clay. Perhaps my true passion will heat up enough and bake my soul in determination, so I may mold the world to my liking and become a sculpture, an unsung legend to sit in the museums of minds and hearts until the fair hands of nature turn me down to let another take my place. Perhaps my heart will harden and cruel reality will hammer its awful flame into me, so that I may be another plain piece of plain ceramic to bring to the table of the idols of money that run this cold world. Or perhaps I will be trampled underfoot like any piece of chewing gum, wildly sweet and defiant by nature and a nuisance to the conformity and chains of the world.

I am excited for my first day, tomorrow. I may spin myself round and round the carousel of my metaphors and dreams, soaring through time and only seeing the blaze of color, but I am human. The wheel of life does not spin without me. I am not a pebble on the side of the road. I am happily caught in the primitive energy of life itself, as that is my purpose and intent. I cannot help but keep up. That is a luxury that I too often take for granted. It has always been present, after all. How can that be enough?

The world lies before me in a blank canvas. I may have the same pencil as all the others, but even then, there are many hues between black and white.

How Do I Answer Myself?

How do you go back when you've thrown yourself out?

How do you step forward when you don't know what you're leaving behind?

How do you ask for something to be returned to you when you didn't know you had it to begin with?

How do you refuse something you tried so hard to take?

How do you let yourself fall into it when you don't know if anyone will catch you?

How do you pull yourself out when your heart doesn't want to argue?

How do you keep walking when the light is so far behind you?

How do you stop when you never knew you were walking?

How do you run straight into the line of fire when you have all the bullets, but no gun?

And yet....

How do you keep hiding in the shadows when your war has already been won?

The Early-bird's Lament

So I had a choir meeting on Thursday morning at 10 AM. But then, there was no way I could get a ride at that time, because my mom leaves for work at 9. So I decided to ask her to take me to school on her way to work. An hour wouldn't be too long to wait, right? Well, I started to think differently once I saw all these other school organizations doing whatever they were doing. I'm naturally introverted, and I haven't come in contact with huge crowds of people in a long time. I just wanted to hide, at one point in time. But then, of course, I needed something to fill up that one hour of loneliness. The drumline was practicing right behind me when I was writing this, so maybe that's why it's got a natural rhythm about it. Or maybe it's just the fact that I was unnaturally focused. I'm usually pretty laidback, but I needed to really drill myself into my words with all the noise around me.
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Decisions lay in untouched mess
While time ambles its solid path.
Regret appears in thoughtful digress
Coated with a sheepish laugh.


As the obligation comes again,
Steady as it was before.
Facing the crowd to real just when
I'd fended off a field of lore.


A powerful desire to disappear
Into the walls I knew too well.
Deep down I know naught to fear
The shadows did my mind repell.


But minutes never sit to rest
And neither should the world.
To find a smile in feared detest
As courage does unfurl.